From the 1964 film “Party Beach”

I love horror movies. The good ones are terrifying in a such a satisfying way, and the bad ones are chock full of cheesy gore and hilariously bad dialogue. They quicken my heartbeat and make me happy to be alive, and happy to be scared in a safe way.

I hate working out. Let me rephrase, I love moving my body and getting energized, but I hate the disconnected feeling of working out for working out sake, or the idea of getting a supermodel body. pah!

But since I work in publishing, my life consists of me sitting and hunched over a computer all day, not the most advantageous for physical health. Also, what of the zombie-pocalypse? I’m pretty sure us desk jockeys will be the first to go.

So what’s a girl to do? Can I out-run zombies, battle back mutated monsters, have the acrobatics to slide unnoticed by homicidal maniacs, and the peace of mind to endure the goriest of situations? And perhaps most importantly, can I look good while doing it all?

I’m embarking on a three month quest to find out if I’d survive a horror movie. It’s called the Horror Movie Work Out Plan. The Plan includes workouts important in any horror film: running, hand to hand combat (Kenpo), yoga, core work, strength training, plyometrics, and burlesque dancing (for the looking good part). Six days a week, with one day of rest, to be spent studying horror films for possible situations.

Let’s start with the opening stats:

Freya:

• Speed: Level 0 – Slower than a dessicated corpse with one leg, and less running stamina
• Agility and Flexibility: Level 1 – Able to balance on the rafter, but not avoid the machete wielding maniac. Flexible enough to quickly squeeze into that crawlspace however.
• Strength: Level 0 – Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. I could never hold back or barricade the doors against an oncoming horde
• Stamina: Level 1 – After a few minutes of hard work, I turn into a huffing tomato, red all over. Definitely no match for psycho killers
• Will: Level 2 – Pretty cool, but cracks under risk of death
• Charisma: Level 2 – Sidekick status, but not a survivor

*note: my statistics are unscientific except that they are based on Dungeons and Dragons and video games.

As you can see, I am no match for even one tiny mutated fish from Piranaha, let alone an entire pond:

If “get in shape” was on your list of New Years Resolutions, why not join the HMWP? We’ll have a weekly post to discuss different work out programs, what’s working, what’s not, horror movie reviews in regards to both the villians’ physical qualities and the protagonists’ survival strategies, and interviews with both horror and fitness aficionados to bolster our spirits for those last five crunches.

Leave your stats in the comments and if you’re an expert interested in doing a review, just scream.