Freya West

Burlesque Warrior, Fire Eater, and Headmistress

My Life as a Cupcake Decorator


Via Serenete

I worked as a cupcake decorator for exactly one day. One 15-hour, icing-stuffed, day.

A few years ago, when you couldn’t find a cupcake bakery every few corners, one (heretofore and hereafter unnamed) was opening near my apartment. I thought working there would be a wonderful change of pace during college, and to hell with my waistline. I had worked in a number of restaurants before, as a host and waitress, so figured I could definitely handle the strain of a storefront shop. The owners were looking to hire their first employee immediately, and really had no idea what to tell me to do or how to schedule hours. So they just said, show up at 8am tomorrow and we’ll see what happens.

8am. I wait at the door for a good half hour before anyone shows, cold, in the rain. The owners, a husband and wife duo, showed up in a car all fresh and pretty with a carload of cupcakes in the back just waiting to be unloaded, iced, and put out for early morning customers. I pulled my hair back, a little drippy, grabbed a black apron from the back of the store, and prepared for my first day as a baking assistant. I still am not sure why anyone would want a dozen cupcakes for breakfast, but apparently I’m in the minority, because as soon as we opened people came flooding in. One of the owners manned the counter while the other taught me how to re-whip the buttercream icing (to be extra fluffy) and make the perfect cupcake swirl by tucking your beginning in the middle and your end under one of the sides.

We ran out of cupcakes at 10am and had to close for half an hour while we busily shaved the lumpy parts off the red velvet and key lime pie flavors (which I of course munched on) and whipped up more icing. A new tray ready, they were all gone by 12:30. I ran between icing furious swirls, tossing sprinkles or a dash of lime on top, and the back washing cupcake pans and bowls.

I got to take a half hour break at 3:00 when I was asked to find more limes at the corner grocery and grab lunch for everyone. We didn’t have time to eat though, because when I got back there was a line out the door for more cupcakes. I resumed my now sploched apron and got elbow deep whipping and swirling. There were a couple casualties, some cupcakes failed to rise properly, or had too much overlap to be sold, but we managed to keep the cupcake hungry masses appeased.

It got to the point where I wasn’t sure which flavor was which anymore. Every time I thought I got ahead, and could put some freshly iced cupcakes in the fridge to cool for a minute, they’d take my tray and I’d be behind again. My arms started to ache from the constant squishing of the icing bag and the whipping. The sugar rush from constantly mixing and taste-testing new icings kept me energized though.

Finally around 8pm, twelve hours after arriving that morning, I got to eat a sandwich. My first food of the day besides discard cupcake scraps. It was the best thing I had ever eaten, but when I was done we had one last rush before closing at 10pm. I smelled of sweat, baking flour, and most strongly, sweet, sugary icing. It’s still probably the best I’ve ever smelled after a 15 hour work day.

I had class all the day after, but the owners had told me to call about my availability. On the other line, she sounded reticent, and said the other person they hired today wants to work full time, so they won’t be needing my help anymore. “Also,” she added, hesitantly, “you never really got the perfect swirl down, so I don’t think this would have worked out anyway.”

And that’s the day my dreams of becoming a cupcake decorator, in the front line of duty, were dashed forever.

Which was really probably for the best, since I would have undoubtedly lived my life subsisting on cupcake rejects and wondering what life was like outside of the powdered icing station.

Fangirl: Bake and Destroy

I’ve been wearing this shirt almost constantly since it came in the mail earlier this week. It’s probably time for a washing since it now smells like three different types of perfume.

One of the many things I pretend to be is a good cook. I’m not bad, but I never stick to recipes so usually my forays into baking end in dilapidated cookies and strange unappealing souffles. Lucky for me, there are multitudes of baking and cooking blogs out there with people who experiment in their own baking, but actually end up with delicious new concoctions. One of my favorites is Natalie Slater’s blog, Bake and Destroy. I interviewed Natalie for Chicagoist a while back, and while that post received the most comments and drove the most traffic to the site that month, our readership generally is, to put it mildly, less than kind.

My own fascination with this cool tattooed lady, however, remains, and I avidly read her blog and buy her awesome cupcake swag (I want want want these Horror Movie Poster cupcake toppers!). Until yesterday, I had dared not try any of her recipes, but for you, my lovelies, I decided to take the powdered plunge and make some cupcakes.

There were many I’d like to try, but for some reason, the Earl Grey with orange said “bake me” so I did. And I know it sounds strange, but I, my roommates, and my coworkers, all think they’re delicious. Just to be clear, these aren’t your super-sweet-put-you-in-a-sugar-coma-cupcakes, they’re more subdued, but equally as delicious and comforting as a warm mug of tea.

Recipe from 125 Best Cupcake Recipes by Julie Hasson via Bake and Destroy:

Ingredients

  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 3/4 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 2 Earl Grey tea bags or 1 tbsp loose tea
  • 1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
  • 6 tbsp unsalted butter, room temp.
  • 3 egg whites
  • 1 tsp orange zest (or bottled orange peel)
  • 1/4 tsp orange oil (or extract)
  • 1 cup buttermilk

for icing

  • 8 oz (1 brick) cream cheese room temp.
  • 1/4 tsp orange extract
  • 1 lb confectioners sugar

Instructions
Preheat oven to 350. Put liners in your cupcake tray or line a pan (but make sure your cups are stiff because mine got droopy and turned into flat squares, still tasty, but not very cute).

Mix flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt in a small bowl. If you’re using tea bags, your tea should be ground enough to mix in, if not, grind it first before mixing in thoroughly. Set bowl aside.

In a large bowl, add your butter and sugar and beat until combined. One at a time, add your egg whites and beat thoroughly. Add your orange zest and oil, and beat until smooth. Next, beat in your flour mixture and buttermilk, alternating each addition until smooth. Pour batter until your liners are 2/3 full and bake for 20-25 minutes or until tops spring back lightly with touch.

While your cupcakes are cooking, let’s make our icing. Cream cheese icing is my favorite, although I never measure my sugar; I just beat until it tastes good. This allows for a lot of taste testing, which is recommended. In a small bowl, add your cream cheese and orange extract. beat in powdered sugar to a spreading consistency and taste.


nom nom

Let your cupcakes cool completely before icing. Enjoy with a mug of tea and a British soap opera.

All photos by an awesome man named Jon Mathias. Creepy gif of me eating cupcakes made by me.